Been Boring Lately

I have been pretty bored lately. There hasn't been a whole lot to do. But although I have been bored, I have also been very relaxed. All I really do anymore is spend time with my boyfriend and my sister who is also my best friend, I am online pretty much constantly, and I'm listening to music 24/7. I have to admit, the virtual world is better than reality most of the time. I love meeting new people and having someone different to talk to. And when you meet new people you make so many new friends and they are there to listen when you need them to. But when the virtual world isn't being so nice, reality is there to welcome you back with open arms. If I am feeling down or depressed, my sister is there with everything that I need. So all in all, I have the best of both worlds.

Adam

Adam Westerhold broke my heart into a million pieces. But Amanda Brader is the duct tape that put me back together. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have made it through my worst break up ever. All day I have felt like crap, but every time she could make me laugh the day got a little better.

Incredibly Happy

Life has been great so far. I love everything about it right now. Living with my best friend has been amazing. Everyone says that having your best friend for a roommate never works out, but in our case it works out perfectly. Tomorrow is my brothers birthday and I'm really excited because it will be the first family event that me and Troy will spend together. I know it's not a very big one, but it's still going to be interesting to watch and see how he reacts to my family. He is working on getting a job in Brunswick right now and then he can only see me on the weekends which will be a downside, but we will make it work. I'm willing to put forth the effort in this relationship because I think that this one is going to work out. I will admit i have been a little distant and not near as clingy as I used to be. Adam really screwed me up, but I'm not going to let it get me down. I am going to be happy and I am going to enjoy my life.

Just A Life Update

It feels so good to be blogging again. My creative spark is back and I am writing again. I am focused on my dreams and what I want for my life. I have been spending a lot of time with my best friend. We have grown closer and we are learning new things about each other that we didn't know. She is like the sister I never had. I honestly can't wait for summer to come again because I want to watch some soccer. I am more appreciative of the little things in life and I don't take them for granted anymore. I would love to do some of the things on my bucket list and live life to the fullest. I went through some of my older posts on here and have been thinking to myself "what was I thinking?" Honestly I believe that there was a time that Adam really loved me and he truly believed he did. I think we were starting to drift apart and he just realized it before I did. But that is not the reason he left me. His mother never liked me and thought I was the reason for all of Adam's financial problems. She thought that I was hurting him and holding him back. If anything I encouraged him to do something with his life. His mom told him that he should break up with me and he did it. I still have moments where I can't believe he is gone, but most days I am doing really good. I don't have too much more to talk about so I guess it's off to bed.

Putting My Life Back Together

My life is finally coming back together. It's like a puzzle that takes a long time to put together. It takes a lot of focus and energy, but it eventually gets done. Now I know things will never be the way that they were, but I do know that even though Adam is gone I will always love him no matter how much time passes. He was my first true love and you never forget those. My life has been going better since he left me though. I have a good head on my shoulders and I am looking for a job. I have a guy that treats me right and tells me that I am beautiful everyday (even on the days that I know I look like crap). My trust is pretty well shot at this point in time and if anyone wants me to trust them they need to understand that it is going to take a lot of time, but if they truly care about me they will put forth the effort to gain that trust and they will wait patiently for it. I am going to look out for myself this time and not make the same mistakes that I did last time. I am going to be careful and I am going to be happy. I have my friends and my family, but if someone else wants to be in my life, they are going to have to work for it. Adam ruined my life, but I refuse to let that part of me rule my life. I am not going to give him or his mother the satisfaction. They will not win because I am stronger than that. I have the ability to walk away and say, "I am a strong and I can get through this." I have a feeling that my life is going to just get better from here on out.

Working On It

I am working very hard trying to get my life together. Searching for a job, letting my friends and family back into my life, and being a lot more social than I was for ten months. I had practically cut everyone out of my life and that was a huge mistake. I am truly blessed that they have chosen to stand by my side even though I blew them off numerous times. I learned my lesson the hard way and I refuse to make it again. The people that really and truly love me and care about me are the ones that I am going to keep in my life. I am making some changes in my life because I want to be a different and a better person. I am making a few physical changes to go along with the personal ones. I want to get a three tattoos for sure and then I want to dye my hair blonde with red streaks. After all that I am going to pierce my ears and my nose. I think these changes are going to be good for me. I can't wait to be different person.
Being away from Adam has allowed me time to grow and has given me a lot of time to think. At first I thought about the regret, what I could do to change his mind about me, and if there was anything I could have done differently. But then I started to think about all the good things that came from Adam leaving me. I have fun now. I go out with my friends. My family talks to me like a real person again. I love all these things. Adam leaving me was the best thing he could have ever done for me. Sure there were times that he made me truly happy and we had fun, but his heart was never really in the relationship. I used to think he was my world, but now I know better. He often tried to buy my affection when all I ever really wanted was to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. Adam was the worst mistake I ever made and believe me when I say I have done some pretty stupid things, but he was the worst one.
Honestly I didn't feel like being abused anymore. He never physically hurt me, but emotionally he practically killed me. He cheated on me three times. He never let me go out with my friends unless he was with or I promised to be back by a certain time. He never supported me in my dreams. Never told me I could do it and that sucks. He never wanted to show me off to the world and whenever we did go out, he wouldn't kiss me or hold my hand. And when he did propose to me, he didn't get down on his knee.
Now that he is gone I am so much happier and I plan on keeping it that way.

Gone To Hell

My life has completely gone to hell since the last time I wrote. I was supposed to get married and have a family by now, but obviously that did not happen. Three weeks ago I went to my sister's volleyball game in Fremont.I left at about 1:00 pm and I came back at about 9:00 pm. When I got home Adam's car was not home. I thought that was weird, but then I remembered he said he might go over to his parent's place for dinner so I decided to check if he was there. He wasn't. I checked his sister's house and his grandparents' place and he wasn't there either. Since he had a history of cheating I decided to check his ex-girlfriend's place. Still wasn't there. Then my dad had a suggestion: maybe he left a note in the apartment so we went there. The second I walked through the door I automatically noticed that the TV was gone. I turned on the light and there was a note on the wall from Adam saying he was done with me. I cried for days. I even left town to try and get rid of the memories. It didn't work because I still think about him all the time.
It's really hard to forget about someone when they show up at your door with their new girlfriend trying to show you up. Now I don't want to sound like the jealous ex-girlfriend, but his new girlfriend is like a negative two compared to me. I would be like a ten and that's saying something because my self esteem is at an all time low right now.
Adam and I did everything together and spent every free moment together. That probably seems bad, but at the time I absolutely loved it. Being with someone that actually wanted to be with me felt really good. But he was dragging me down and I realize that now. I quit my job so I could be with him and I really never should have done that. I even at one point gave up my family for him because they couldn't get along. He wasn't worth any of my time. I feel like I wasted ten months of my life on him, but then I remember that if it wasn't for all the mistakes I made I would never learn anything.
I have finally got my life together. I'm getting a job and saving for a car. Someday I will be able to look at him and it won't hurt anymore. Someday I will be strong. Someday I will love again.