I Wonder...

I am seriously wondering if the people that tell me that someone is trying to take advantage of me are actually the ones taking advantage of me. I'm so confused and lost. It feels like they don't want me making my own decisions and that's all I want to do. If I decide to make my own decisions then that means breaking a lot of promises and I am seriously debating if I will feel guilty about that or not. Does this make me a bad friend or person? I really don't know. I seem to be caring about everyone else and not myself and it really sucks. I'm very confused right now. Help me!

Starting My Life

My life has finally come together. My future is all laid out in front of me. I'm moving in with my best friend in January and then sometime in the future we are all moving to a farm. I have a wonderful boyfriend that is a lot like Jon and that's perfect because I know that Jon is a great guy and I have always wanted a guy like him. He treats me the way that I deserve to be treated and he loves me just the way that I am. No reason for me to change. I also have plans to go back to school so that I can go on to be a counselor of some sort.
I have figured out that my own biological parents weren't very good parents and now my best friend, Amanda, is more of a mom than my own mother was and Jon is more of a dad than my own father. I love my family now. Although I am very scared of the way my siblings are probably getting treated right now. They shouldn't have to go through the same shit that I went through. All of that aside, I am just really excited to finally start my life the right way.

Just Really Don't Know What To Do

Well I'm trying to live life to the fullest right now and it's really not working. My own family doesn't even care what happens to me. People say that I had it coming and I'm not afraid to admit that, but can we please let it go and let me enjoy the little bit of freedom I have left. I just want to have people believe in me and tell me I can get through this. And to add on top of things Troy is being a dick. He is saying a crap ton of shit to me and he says that he's just kidding, but I know better than that. The fact that I might go to prison in a month and a half is a scary thought and the only person that is truly helping me feel the slightest bit better is my best friend Amanda. Not sure what else I can really do. I guess I will update this later.

I Hate This

This morning I woke up and went to kitchen table. Then I stretched and for some reason I expected Adam to come up behind me hug me. I don't know why I was thinking that way, but now I'm going to be depressed for the rest of the day.

Nothing But Pain

I have finally decided to allow myself to heal. I have opened my heart back up to feel the hurt and the pain that Adam left me with. It sucks and I don't want to feel that way, but I know that if I ever want to truly move on I have to feel this way and get over it. I don't want to hurt someone else because of my issues. So it looks like I'm stuck feeling this way. I've had all of the pain and I have gained nothing.

Another Life Update

Well I had a boyfriend, but I broke up with him because the relationship wasn't going anywhere in my opinion. My parents hated me for awhile and they thought that the only reason  I broke up with him was because they loved him and I was apparently rebelling against everything that they say or want. Obviously that's not true. I thought that it would be better to break it off early rather than to lead him on and have him getting more hurt in the long run. I have some dates lined up and I am desperately hoping that one of them works out. Other than the fact that my love life sucks, everything else is going pretty well. I might have a decent babysitting job, I have great friends, and I'm having my family over for dinner this weekend. Other than that I have nothing else to write about.

Been Boring Lately

I have been pretty bored lately. There hasn't been a whole lot to do. But although I have been bored, I have also been very relaxed. All I really do anymore is spend time with my boyfriend and my sister who is also my best friend, I am online pretty much constantly, and I'm listening to music 24/7. I have to admit, the virtual world is better than reality most of the time. I love meeting new people and having someone different to talk to. And when you meet new people you make so many new friends and they are there to listen when you need them to. But when the virtual world isn't being so nice, reality is there to welcome you back with open arms. If I am feeling down or depressed, my sister is there with everything that I need. So all in all, I have the best of both worlds.

Adam

Adam Westerhold broke my heart into a million pieces. But Amanda Brader is the duct tape that put me back together. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have made it through my worst break up ever. All day I have felt like crap, but every time she could make me laugh the day got a little better.

Incredibly Happy

Life has been great so far. I love everything about it right now. Living with my best friend has been amazing. Everyone says that having your best friend for a roommate never works out, but in our case it works out perfectly. Tomorrow is my brothers birthday and I'm really excited because it will be the first family event that me and Troy will spend together. I know it's not a very big one, but it's still going to be interesting to watch and see how he reacts to my family. He is working on getting a job in Brunswick right now and then he can only see me on the weekends which will be a downside, but we will make it work. I'm willing to put forth the effort in this relationship because I think that this one is going to work out. I will admit i have been a little distant and not near as clingy as I used to be. Adam really screwed me up, but I'm not going to let it get me down. I am going to be happy and I am going to enjoy my life.

Just A Life Update

It feels so good to be blogging again. My creative spark is back and I am writing again. I am focused on my dreams and what I want for my life. I have been spending a lot of time with my best friend. We have grown closer and we are learning new things about each other that we didn't know. She is like the sister I never had. I honestly can't wait for summer to come again because I want to watch some soccer. I am more appreciative of the little things in life and I don't take them for granted anymore. I would love to do some of the things on my bucket list and live life to the fullest. I went through some of my older posts on here and have been thinking to myself "what was I thinking?" Honestly I believe that there was a time that Adam really loved me and he truly believed he did. I think we were starting to drift apart and he just realized it before I did. But that is not the reason he left me. His mother never liked me and thought I was the reason for all of Adam's financial problems. She thought that I was hurting him and holding him back. If anything I encouraged him to do something with his life. His mom told him that he should break up with me and he did it. I still have moments where I can't believe he is gone, but most days I am doing really good. I don't have too much more to talk about so I guess it's off to bed.

Putting My Life Back Together

My life is finally coming back together. It's like a puzzle that takes a long time to put together. It takes a lot of focus and energy, but it eventually gets done. Now I know things will never be the way that they were, but I do know that even though Adam is gone I will always love him no matter how much time passes. He was my first true love and you never forget those. My life has been going better since he left me though. I have a good head on my shoulders and I am looking for a job. I have a guy that treats me right and tells me that I am beautiful everyday (even on the days that I know I look like crap). My trust is pretty well shot at this point in time and if anyone wants me to trust them they need to understand that it is going to take a lot of time, but if they truly care about me they will put forth the effort to gain that trust and they will wait patiently for it. I am going to look out for myself this time and not make the same mistakes that I did last time. I am going to be careful and I am going to be happy. I have my friends and my family, but if someone else wants to be in my life, they are going to have to work for it. Adam ruined my life, but I refuse to let that part of me rule my life. I am not going to give him or his mother the satisfaction. They will not win because I am stronger than that. I have the ability to walk away and say, "I am a strong and I can get through this." I have a feeling that my life is going to just get better from here on out.

Working On It

I am working very hard trying to get my life together. Searching for a job, letting my friends and family back into my life, and being a lot more social than I was for ten months. I had practically cut everyone out of my life and that was a huge mistake. I am truly blessed that they have chosen to stand by my side even though I blew them off numerous times. I learned my lesson the hard way and I refuse to make it again. The people that really and truly love me and care about me are the ones that I am going to keep in my life. I am making some changes in my life because I want to be a different and a better person. I am making a few physical changes to go along with the personal ones. I want to get a three tattoos for sure and then I want to dye my hair blonde with red streaks. After all that I am going to pierce my ears and my nose. I think these changes are going to be good for me. I can't wait to be different person.
Being away from Adam has allowed me time to grow and has given me a lot of time to think. At first I thought about the regret, what I could do to change his mind about me, and if there was anything I could have done differently. But then I started to think about all the good things that came from Adam leaving me. I have fun now. I go out with my friends. My family talks to me like a real person again. I love all these things. Adam leaving me was the best thing he could have ever done for me. Sure there were times that he made me truly happy and we had fun, but his heart was never really in the relationship. I used to think he was my world, but now I know better. He often tried to buy my affection when all I ever really wanted was to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. Adam was the worst mistake I ever made and believe me when I say I have done some pretty stupid things, but he was the worst one.
Honestly I didn't feel like being abused anymore. He never physically hurt me, but emotionally he practically killed me. He cheated on me three times. He never let me go out with my friends unless he was with or I promised to be back by a certain time. He never supported me in my dreams. Never told me I could do it and that sucks. He never wanted to show me off to the world and whenever we did go out, he wouldn't kiss me or hold my hand. And when he did propose to me, he didn't get down on his knee.
Now that he is gone I am so much happier and I plan on keeping it that way.

Gone To Hell

My life has completely gone to hell since the last time I wrote. I was supposed to get married and have a family by now, but obviously that did not happen. Three weeks ago I went to my sister's volleyball game in Fremont.I left at about 1:00 pm and I came back at about 9:00 pm. When I got home Adam's car was not home. I thought that was weird, but then I remembered he said he might go over to his parent's place for dinner so I decided to check if he was there. He wasn't. I checked his sister's house and his grandparents' place and he wasn't there either. Since he had a history of cheating I decided to check his ex-girlfriend's place. Still wasn't there. Then my dad had a suggestion: maybe he left a note in the apartment so we went there. The second I walked through the door I automatically noticed that the TV was gone. I turned on the light and there was a note on the wall from Adam saying he was done with me. I cried for days. I even left town to try and get rid of the memories. It didn't work because I still think about him all the time.
It's really hard to forget about someone when they show up at your door with their new girlfriend trying to show you up. Now I don't want to sound like the jealous ex-girlfriend, but his new girlfriend is like a negative two compared to me. I would be like a ten and that's saying something because my self esteem is at an all time low right now.
Adam and I did everything together and spent every free moment together. That probably seems bad, but at the time I absolutely loved it. Being with someone that actually wanted to be with me felt really good. But he was dragging me down and I realize that now. I quit my job so I could be with him and I really never should have done that. I even at one point gave up my family for him because they couldn't get along. He wasn't worth any of my time. I feel like I wasted ten months of my life on him, but then I remember that if it wasn't for all the mistakes I made I would never learn anything.
I have finally got my life together. I'm getting a job and saving for a car. Someday I will be able to look at him and it won't hurt anymore. Someday I will be strong. Someday I will love again.

A Bad Couple Months

So my wedding that was supposed to be in February ended up getting canceled because the pastor found out that we were living together. We moved the date to May so our wedding is actually going to be outdoors unless it decides to rain and knowing my luck it will. Now I'm just chilling at home listening to music waiting for the love of my life to get home. I'm just not sure what to do today. I still can't drive because I don't have a driver's license. It's too cold to walk anywhere and I have been aching like crazy. I went to the doctor the other day for a pregnacy test and they told me it came back negative even though I haven't had my period for two months, I've had cravings, weight gain, and my breasts hurt like crazy and they are swelling. It really sucks because none of my clothes fit anymore. So the doctor decided to test me for thyroid problems which meant I had to have my blood drawn and I really DO NOT LIKE NEEDLES. When I walked into the room they had everything laid out on the table. The second I seen it I was freaking out. I went white and fell back a little bit. Thank God Adam was behind me to catch me. The stupid nurse actually asked me if I was going to faint. It was like noooo I just fell backwards for something to do. In the middle of getting my blood drawn I was completely freaking out. The nurse asked me if I wanted to stop for a minute. What kind of question is that?! I just wanted to get it done and over with. I am so gonna laugh if the thyroid test comes back negative and they find out I'm actually pregnant. Adam and I have been trying so hard to have a baby. It's kind of disappointing to keep having tests come back negative. But we will keep trying. Well I guess I have nothing else to write about. I will have more to write another day.

Desperate and Confused

So right now I might be facing the fact that I could be living in my car for awhile unlsess I can some how come up with money for rent and electricity. On top of that I have the phone payment, car payment, insurance, and trying to pay for my wedding. My fiance and I have applied everywhere trying to get a job and are running out of options. It would be nice if someplace would call or even give us the time of day. We are just getting so desperate. We have been selling stuff online and trying to borrow money only when we need it from our parents. If anyone has any ideas please tell us. We are willing to do anything right now.

Don't Know What To Do

I don't know what to do right now because all I want to do is sleep, but that's not even an option right now because I might have a concussion or something. My eyes are really heavy and my entire head hurts. All this because I hit my head on the wall while I was having a nightmare. It almost feels as if they are getting worse and worse as time goes on. My poor fiance is so worried about me, but there is nothing that he can do. I feel as if this is something I have to handle on my own, but I really don't want to because I'm so scared. I don't ever want to face anything on my own. I need him by my side at all times. It's nice to know that he is there to help me through anything and that's exactly what I need right now. I don't know how I got throught life before him, but I do know that if it wouldn't have been for him I would probably be dead right now. He literally saved my life.

Positive

With everything finally looking up I am a lot less stressed out all the time. I'm more focused and not so cranky. The most stressful thing in my life right now is trying to find a job and so far it's going pretty well. I have applied at quite a few different places and I am just really hoping that one of them calls me in for an interview sometime. I also hope that the work environment will be a lot friendlier than my last job. All they talked about all night long was sex, drugs, and alcohol. I have had this blog for about three years now and since I haven't blogged in awhile I guess I forgot how much of a stress reliever it was for me. Since I've started blogging again I feel incredibly relaxed and focused. Things are definately getting better.

Life Update

My life is going absolutely amazing. I really couldn't be happier right now. I'm getting married to the best guy in the entire world and we are trying to start a family together. We have an amazing car, a nice apartment, and things are finally starting to go our way. Granted we are both jobless right now, but my dad did offer my fiance some work until he can find a real job. My parents are finally starting to pay me the money that they borrowed from me. Honestly, the thing that I really can't seem to accept is that I'm getting maried. It all seems like a fantasy. It's getting late now so I think I'm gonna go to bed. I will give another update tomorrow.